Feel good, but feel bad

Feel like crap today, hurt all over and I have to work 4:15-8:15. Tired deep down. I never felt this way until I hit 40. It's hard to believe how much energy I used to have. Wish I'd appreciated it more.

My fantasies play heavy in my head at times like this. I want my own business, a small shop/gallery for craftspeople to show their work and sell it, and in addition to my own work, maybe sell some hard-to-find beading components. I resent having to be there when they want me to, having to do what they want, the way they want it done. If things were my way, I tell myself, I'd be happier. Would I? Who knows. But I'd like the chance to find out. Wouldn't we all like to realize our dreams? Even if they didn't work out the way we'd thought they would, at least we tried.

On the other hand, there's four fingers and a thumb. No, seriously, though, I am glad that I started this blog and that I've made attempts to pull my head out of my ass and remember the people who bring me joy in life, my friends and family. Keeping in touch with my daughter Jenessa and my mom back home in Kansas keeps me grounded in what's really important. Erik, my good, good son, keeps me laughing and always loves me, no matter how much of a dork I am. And Terry, my husband and best friend, just being there, gives me something constant I can depend on. Getting back in touch with old friends, Betty-my "mom away from mom" at my old job and Faith, my old writing buddy/pen pal/good friend, help me to realize that there are other lives out there going on without me, but happier with me.

Then, there will be new friends I'll make, like Carol, who is so easygoing and makes me laugh, and who I suspect will be the one I can tell anything to. And new family, like Caleb, Jenessa's fiance, who is a drama king and not afraid to show it, I am so glad you came into my daughter's life, and I wish you both the best life ever.

I guess I'm being so...I don't know...deep...because I'm facing my 43rd birthday in a week, then my 24th wedding anniversary in April, then Jenessa's 23rd birthday in June. It's funny, but thinking about my daughter's age makes me feel older than thinking about my own, but talking to her makes me feel young again. She has a way of bringing your truest feelings from you, without even trying. Suddenly, everything that's all mixed up inside you, making you feel stupid and unsure of yourself, is all as clear as her gold-green eyes. Talk to anyone who knows her, they'll back me up.

And on that note:


Still Life

Selling the soul starts here.
From my couch before the screen I cower
from humanity from the likes of you, from the soft glow
I wrench myself
free to feed on fruits and nuts and meats and vegetation
salted, seeded, peeled, chopped, circumcised.
Weeping solemn righteous empathy into my peach tea,
sweetened with Splenda,
I learn that one out of ten doctors who play doctors
on TV do not recommend this.

--Nan Whetstone

So, What Now?

Honestly, I've never really done this before. Hoping that's not automatically, transparently obvious. I'm assuming everyone will automatically crowd around to hear the amazing tales of my day to day life, but then again, do you really have time for this?

I'll start by introducing myself. I'm Nancy Whetstone, 42, married, two grown kids. I recently transplanted to Texas from Kansas. I used to write a lot, I was even published, but now I only dabble a little with a poem or two every now and then. My muse must be exhausted.

I work part-time in a library and am not officially a librarian, that's just easier to type than Library Technician. I've done library work for over 8 years. My husband Terry is a pilot and works as a flight instructor. Both of us are disgustingly unappreciative of our jobs. Eh...it's a living.

I make custom jewelry, not costume jewelry. What's the difference, you might ask? Costumes help you pretend you're someone you're not. Custom means that your style is you, and you are your style. Confused? Good. That's how I like ya.

I intend to show several pieces of my jewelry on this blog and also urge you if you're in the area to visit Sisters of the Earth and Sea in Harker Heights, TX. There, you'll find my work for sale and some nice girls who will help you get in touch with me if you want something made just for you.

I'm also planning to subject you to some of my poetry, plus those annoying lists everyone wants you to read. I love lists, I write them all the time. Usually they look like this:

Potatoes
Soy Milk
Cereal
Go to post office

...but here, they'll be better than that, I promise! I love Heavy Metal music (Korn ROCKS!!!), old-school dance music (all right, disco), and true crime books. I'm seriously into What Not To Wear and Project Runway, and am currently pining away for the new P.R. season to start. However, do not misconstrue this to mean that I'm ultimately stylish. I tend to rebel as much as I possibly can. It's all I got.

I also have to say something about my cat Rainy every now and then, and may talk ad nauseum about my kids, Jenessa, 22, and Erik, 18. You just have to know 'em to love 'em. Before you knock it, try it, I say.

And now, a poem...

POINT OF EXHAUSTION

You and I
have so much in common--
things not evident
to the casual observer.
You drive through life fast,
in control, smoke and dust
billowing behind you.
I sit still inside,
just trying hard to breathe.
But
we both concentrate
on our favorite
prepositional phrases.
Take it in, push it out.
Get past it, make it through.

--Nan Whetstone