Feel like crap today, hurt all over and I have to work 4:15-8:15. Tired deep down. I never felt this way until I hit 40. It's hard to believe how much energy I used to have. Wish I'd appreciated it more.
My fantasies play heavy in my head at times like this. I want my own business, a small shop/gallery for craftspeople to show their work and sell it, and in addition to my own work, maybe sell some hard-to-find beading components. I resent having to be there when they want me to, having to do what they want, the way they want it done. If things were my way, I tell myself, I'd be happier. Would I? Who knows. But I'd like the chance to find out. Wouldn't we all like to realize our dreams? Even if they didn't work out the way we'd thought they would, at least we tried.
On the other hand, there's four fingers and a thumb. No, seriously, though, I am glad that I started this blog and that I've made attempts to pull my head out of my ass and remember the people who bring me joy in life, my friends and family. Keeping in touch with my daughter Jenessa and my mom back home in Kansas keeps me grounded in what's really important. Erik, my good, good son, keeps me laughing and always loves me, no matter how much of a dork I am. And Terry, my husband and best friend, just being there, gives me something constant I can depend on. Getting back in touch with old friends, Betty-my "mom away from mom" at my old job and Faith, my old writing buddy/pen pal/good friend, help me to realize that there are other lives out there going on without me, but happier with me.
Then, there will be new friends I'll make, like Carol, who is so easygoing and makes me laugh, and who I suspect will be the one I can tell anything to. And new family, like Caleb, Jenessa's fiance, who is a drama king and not afraid to show it, I am so glad you came into my daughter's life, and I wish you both the best life ever.
I guess I'm being so...I don't know...deep...because I'm facing my 43rd birthday in a week, then my 24th wedding anniversary in April, then Jenessa's 23rd birthday in June. It's funny, but thinking about my daughter's age makes me feel older than thinking about my own, but talking to her makes me feel young again. She has a way of bringing your truest feelings from you, without even trying. Suddenly, everything that's all mixed up inside you, making you feel stupid and unsure of yourself, is all as clear as her gold-green eyes. Talk to anyone who knows her, they'll back me up.
And on that note:
Still Life
Selling the soul starts here.
From my couch before the screen I cower
from humanity from the likes of you, from the soft glow
I wrench myself
free to feed on fruits and nuts and meats and vegetation
salted, seeded, peeled, chopped, circumcised.
Weeping solemn righteous empathy into my peach tea,
sweetened with Splenda,
I learn that one out of ten doctors who play doctors
on TV do not recommend this.
--Nan Whetstone
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1 comment:
Hey girl! Visit blogs and they'll visit you. Here's one of my faves: www.meellis.blogspot.com She's hilarious and a good friend. When you need a good laugh, that's the site to read. She always puts life in a perspective that helps the reader feel better.
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